When I found out I was pregnant almost a year ago, I immediately downloaded all of the apps, ordered all of the pregnancy books, and joined all of the mom groups. I asked so many questions I’m surprised my OB and friends didn’t tell me to shut up. I spent a lot of time planning and researching, and generally daydreaming about what life would be like with this little baby I was carrying. I sent articles and random tidbits of information to my fiance on a daily basis, which drove him insane; I’m pretty sure he stopped opening them after a while. I thought I had prepared myself for everything, but I guess you never really know what to expect with a baby until you have one. Let’s all take a minute to laugh at my naivety in thinking this would be a breeze. “Haha Megan you’re so dumb for thinking your child would sleep through the night lol.” Done? Good. Without further ado, in honor of my son turning 3 months old tomorrow, here’s a list of things I’ve learned in his first 3 months of life:
- Your vagina will literally never feel the same if you deliver that way. If you have a c-section, the incision site will probably be numb for some time.
- The first month or so, the baby’s skin is super sensitive. Water wipes were the only thing we could use without him breaking out in a rash. Thankfully this isn’t an issue anymore.
- You will get peed on. A lot.
- The formula smells god awful. Do. Not. Wait to rinse out those bottles or you’ll be dealing with a weapon of mass destruction. Just don’t do it.
- Speaking of WMDs, that first poop after you switch to formula smells so bad. They do not get any better, but on the plus side, they aren’t super runny and usually won’t end up blowing out a diaper.
- Babies get dandruff too, called Cradle Cap. It’s normal, even if it looks bad.
- Babies can get acne. It usually looks worse than it feels.
- Newborn sleep deprivation is a whole other kind of sleep deprivation. That whole staying-up-til-4-am-partying-then-going-to-class-at-7 am situation is nothing compared to being up every hour with a newborn. There is not enough coffee in the world.
- Babies come home with part of their cord still attached, and it will fall off on its own eventually. Leave. It. Alone. Don’t wipe alcohol on it, don’t get it wet, just don’t touch it. Okay?
- Breastfeeding is fucking hard. It hurts, there could be a million different reasons why baby isn’t latching, pumping is the actual worst. If you don’t want to breastfeed, that’s completely fine. If you do want to breastfeed, there are so many resources available! Facebook groups, lactation consultants, friends, family. Either way, you’re killing it. Don’t feel bad about how you feed your baby.
- Most babies are picky when it comes to bottles and pacifiers. There’s a good chance your baby will only like the one type of bottle you don’t have. Sorry, that’s just how it works.
- Baby clothes sizes don’t make any sense. I have newborn clothes that are actually 3 months, and 3 month clothes that barely fit him when he was a newborn. You also probably won’t get the chance to put your child in every piece of clothing unless you change them multiple times a day.
- The 2 month shots aren’t actually as bad for them as you might think, and you will probably cry more than they do. It just happens. And, most importantly:
- If your baby starts pooping, wait at least 5 minutes before trying to change their diaper. Just trust me, there have been plenty of times that he waits to finish pooping while my hands are there wiping his butt.
I’m sure there’s a million other things about being a new mom that I’ve learned, but I’m sure it’s things you’ve heard a thousand times before. Car seat safety, safe sleep, the importance of vaccines, all are drilled into your head before you even leave the hospital. There’s also probably things I experienced that other moms didn’t, and vice versa. That’s just the fun of motherhood I guess. Anyway, if you’re pregnant or a new mom, stock up on coffee. And depends. Just trust me.